And maybe it never really was. I feel like I am stuck. i keep looking back, looking for that feeling that everything is OK. Looking for something to tell me it was real and true and not some weird little fantasy or lie. I keep looking back, wanting to find what is missing, what was missing, why it had to end the way it did. I can’t find it. Nothing makes sense. Knowing that my hormones are playing tricks on my emotions is not making the day any easier. i can’t rationalize any of it. Falling in love made no sense and falling out of love doesn’t either. I keep looking for something that is not there. like match to a sock or an earring back. Those things that vanish and are never found again. Our love is gone. My love is gone. Your love may have never been there. No, it was there. I felt it to the core of my being. I heard it in your voice and saw it in your eyes. I knew without any doubt or fear that you loved me. I felt safe. I felt confident. I let down my guard and showed you every part of me. I let you in. You looked around and made yourself at home. Only to leave without warning. You’re not there. No one is there. The defense system is back in place. Safety is my own responsibility. It always has been. Confidence is still there. I know who i am, I know my value. But you are gone. My heart feels empty. The vacancy sign is lit, a brilliant scarlet neon flashing sign. Home is hard to find. Peace of mind even harder. Moving forward seems impossible. But what I am looking for is not there. And when I try to tell myself it never was…. that is a lie I cannot believe.
I do not do it intentionally. I do not set out to hurt or disappoint anyone. I do not show you who I am and let you in with the intention of breaking your heart. It’s just who I am. And at times that can be the problem. I am a woman who is caring, kind, intelligent, funny, witty, sarcastic, passionate, sensual, and a million other things. I am hard working and take care of myself and what is mine. I have values and morals and things that matter to me. Things that really matter. I believe in equality, for everyone. I believe in treating others as you wish to be treated, with respect and kindness. I am me, always. I break your heart when I do not compromise my beliefs, do not pretend to be someone or something I am not. I break your heart when I tell you honestly that I am not sure I am ready to love again or let you in. That I am frightened and gun shy of being vulnerable because my heart has been broken and needs time to heal. I break your heart by being everything about me that you are falling for. I break your heart because I would rather be real and honest and true to myself than lead you on or lose myself. Forgive me, for being who I am. Forgive me, for I can be no one or nothing else.