October12014

Too much to think about

Last night, once again, my partner and I had a rather unpleasant conversation about a topic that neither of us like to talk about. Last night, I tried to do the right thing to bring some peace to a stressful situation. I decided to stop putting her in the middle and speak directly to the topic of the conversation and attempt to explain my misgivings and hesitations. To let this person know that while I am struggling with certain things, I am willing to put aside my worry for the betterment of my beloved’s peace of mind. She has enough stress and worry without this little thing causing strife in her life and our relationship. To me, that is part of loving, doing things you really do not want to do if it benefits the other in any way shape or form.
I wish I could say that was a positive step. Instead of, as I had hoped this person would do, taking the opportunity to introduce himself and reassure me of his interests and intentions, his reply only made things worse. Instead of focussing on the positive changes that could be made and future friendship that could be developed, he focused on the past and mentioned hopes that I would change my mind about monogamy. Ok, so that isn’t what he said exactly, but mentioning being more than willing to continue the sort of encounters they once had sort of made it easy to read between the lines.
So, he still wants to fuck my girlfriend. She is amazing, I can understand why. But she is no longer available for such things. And instead of saying, I’m happy for the both of you and let’s do lunch, he said, he still wants to fuck her and if the opportunity comes to play like they used to, great!
It almost seemed as if mentioning the friendship aspect of their relationship was an afterthought. There were a lot of tears last night. At one point she said she would just keep us away from each other. But how can you build a relationship if you have to hide part of your life from the other? I began to think that the best thing would be to walk away and just let her be. I love her. I really do. But I know that this situation has been tearing her in two. I know that she views this person as a dear friend and values him greatly. To me, he is just a guy who fucked my girlfriend and wants to do it again. And when given the opportunity to prove otherwise, he only validated my biggest fears.
In the end, she chose to walk away from him. last night, there was hope in her voice when she said she felt free and relieved. But as expected, this morning she is having second thoughts. She does not sound so sure of her decision. I love her. I really do. But I have no idea of how to make this all ok.
Sigh

September142014
“Remember who loved you no matter how fucked up in the head you were.” (via revengeofthecreature)

(Source: 0pt1c, via drunkbeard)

September92014
“I kept thinking that if I walked straight on, far, far away and reached that line where the sky and earth meet, there I should find the key to the mystery.” Dostoevsky, The Idiot (via meditationsinwonderland)
3PM
“Even a happy life cannot be without a measure of darkness, and the word happy would lose its meaning if it were not balanced by sadness. It is far better take things as they come along with patience and equanimity.” Carl Jung (via lucifelle)

(via anyaphenix)

September72014
9PM
September52014

(Source: anostalgicnerd, via sesamestreet)

September42014
“Cinderella never asked for a prince. She asked for a night off and a dress.”

Like not once did she say “I want a prince to come and rescue me from my situation.”

She just wanted to look cute and turn the fuck up at the party.

(via barbie-dolls-xx)

(Source: spookymakoraa, via sleepydumpling)

September12014

Inappropriate Behavior

It is the first of September, Labor day, the official end of summer. Most pools will be closing.  Shorts, and sundresses and swimsuits will be packed away for another year.  Sweaters and hoodies will find their way back to the tops of drawers and frequent trips to the washer.Everyone is back at school. Fall Festivals will begin. There is pumpkin everything everywhere. I’m not complaining. I love pumpkin everything! But it is time to put the summer to rest. Hold on to the memories, embrace the changes that have occurred and reflect upon the lessons of the past three months. 

Almost at the exact midpoint of the summer, I was a witness to some very inappropriate behavior. Being new to the scene and still unsure of protocols and procedures involving such things, I turned to two of my most trusted companions for clarification and to vent. These women are experienced and knowledgeable and very respected within our community. They are also just freaking awesome and I am honored to call them my friends. Over the next few days, I was bombarded with questions and constant inquiries from the offending person, not to mention the victim’s constant texts and phone calls stating she wanted to move passed it but never talking of anything else. The perpetrator asked that I speak with the party host. I think it was his attempt to clear his name. I spoke the truth and only the truth as I have all along.  Through that conversation, my respect for the hosts grew and I was reassured that what I had witnessed was indeed inappropriate.

I wish I could say that that was the end of my personal experience involving the incident. But, sadly it isn’t. The event, and words that were said while I was in that room, triggered my PTSD. Over the next few weeks, I began to have nightmares, was on edge all the time and just wanted it all to be over and to move on. Yet, I was not given a break from the constant reminders of what had occurred. I chose to distance myself from the offender, stating in no uncertain terms that I could not overlook his behavior and that he was not the sort of person I wanted in my life.  I turned to those closest to me for support regarding the lingering effects the nightmares, speaking more of my past and why all of this was causing so much stress.

I continued my stance of not making any public statement about the event or even my personal experience or reflections. I have kept this event private. When asked by others to speak of it to persons not involved, I have refused. I truly believe that in time everyone shows their true colors. We all know the saying about giving someone enough rope. 

The rest of my summer was lovely and full of time spent with friends and laughter and finding myself in love with the most amazing young lady. Yes, summer can be a time of unexpected and surprising delights and plot twists and turns and adventures found when you think you have lost your way. It can be a time to feel reborn and alive. It can be absolutely amazing. So why did I mention the bad stuff? Because while I have been living my life, falling in love and building stronger relationships and seeing the good in my life and my world, others have not been and have decided to blame me for their unhappiness and the consequences of their actions. I have been accused of all sorts of things that quite honestly, I just don’t have the time or energy for. Until I was publically mentioned in a post by the offender, I had not even discussed what had happened with my girlfriend. All I had ever said to her was that from my experience, he isn’t who he appears to be and I have chosen to not have him in my life. At a recent munch, I was whispering and giggling with my sister, something we always do. But apparently, someone took that personally and was offended. 

August122014
“I don’t want to be
the other half of your soul.
I want to be the one
who reminds you
that you’re already whole.” G.S., soulstice (via sacredfemininegypsyheart)

(Source: poemsandtea, via unconditionedconsciousness)

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