On June 9, 2003, just shy of turning 10, my daughter had her father help her mail a package of Swedish fish to me for my birthday. My birthday is the fourteenth. About a week before that, I had left my second husband, in the rain, after calling the police when the violence got out of hand. I ended up at my mother’s with a laundry basket full of clothes and my children. My daughter was at her father’s for the summer and sent me my favorite candy for my birthday.
I found the envelope they had arrived in a box while helping my son find old drawings and photos for a school art project. I held the envelope, looked at the child like writing and cried. Somewhere between June 9, 2003 and December 5, 2011, my daughter stopped loving me. She never stopped being that little girl who I love more than words can say. But she stopped loving me. Today is the anniversary of the day we became estranged. It’s been two years. And I’m still wondering what happened.
I have a boyfriend…
crap! what the hell do I bitch about now?
Once upon a time, I thought he had potential to be my knight in shining armor. But all this shiny, eventually, they lose their luster or you notice a few chinks in the armor. Usually, that isn’t a problem. But when a great big gaping hole is revealed, it’s hard to look away. It all changed for me in a single phone call. He had just woken up, had been working weird hours and sounded rather cranky when he called. Cranky I can deal with. What I cannot handle or tolerate is the racist, hateful crap that came out of his mouth! He has apologized said he really doesn’t feel that way and that it was just the attitude he had when he called. Keep that shit to yourself then!
Then there are the words he chose to describe the women his friends have dated and the single parents he saw in public that day. Again, lots of hate and negativity. How can a person so full of hate claim to feel so much love for me? He only hears what he wants to and ignored my practical rationalizations as to why “we” can never be. He continues to speak as if nothing has changed, as if he can just magically undo what has been done.
Somme day my prince will come… just not today.
I have said it before… I am a big girl! I wear a (US) 16/18 pants, but wear much larger shirts… usually 22/24, or 3X. Sorry, i have boobs!
Anyway, several years ago, I weighed just shy of 300 pounds and wore size 22/24 pants. And I fell in love with the jeans at Old Navy. Not just the jeans, but they had actual tops, sweaters, everything that I could not only fit, but also feel comfortable, pretty and not like I was an 85 year old woman in! I had found my clothing heaven! I tend to be a bit modest and find the closed at other “plus sized” stores to be too revealing for my taste. Also, I have noticed the quality of their items lacking for what you pay for them.
I haven’t bought clothing for over a year. I haven’t bought jeans in over 2 years. After losing a bunch of weight, my body has sort of stayed the same. Tonight, I realized it was time to shop. I went to Old Navy and searched for my size. I looked for the area that used to set aside for the larger sizes. Finally, I asked for help.
Me-“Excuse me, but where I can find larger sizes. There used to be a section near the back of the store.”
Old Navy Employee- “We no longer carry anything above like a 16/18 in jeans and above 2 X in shirts.”
Me- “But you used to. I have always gotten a lot of things here. Including the pants I’m wearing now.”
O. N. E. - “Well, we might have a few things but we really don’t carry that size anymore.”
Me- This is ridiculous.
O.N. E.- I don’t really care I just work here.
But she should care! Everyone should care! I was at an Old Navy in what is one of the most over weight areas in the state, and they no longer have clothing that will fit more than half the people who live here!
Sure, I did find about 10 pairs of pants in my size and 1 shirt. And a friend said I could go online. But why should I have to? So, if I am about a size 16 I should not be able or allowed to go to a store and try on clothing to buy? I should stay at home and just order online and hope and pray that it fits and they have a good return policy?
I didn’t buy anything. I won’t buy anything from them again. Sure, the little bit of money I spent there for myself and my children won’t really effect Old Navy in the long run, but I refuse to support a company that no longer supports people of every shape and size.
Lily Allen - Somewhere Only we Know. (cover) [x]
How the Logic of "Friendzoning" Would Work If Applied in Other Instances:
- *Man walks into a store and finds employee*
- Man: Alright, I've had enough. Why haven't you guys hired me?!
- Employee: Uh...well sir, when did you put in your application?
- Man: I never filled out an application.
- Employee: Well sir, we can't consider you for employment if you've never filled out an application.
- Man: No, that's bullshit, because I've been coming here for years now, and every single time I tell you all how much I love this store and how much I appreciate your customer service, unlike some of your other customers might I add!
- Employee: Well, but that doesn't-
- Man: AND I even told you that I didn't have a job!
- Employee: But sir, that doesn't indicate to us that you would like a job at our store. And again, if you've never filled out an application, we can't consider you. Besides, we're not hiring.
- Man: OH! Not hiring, HA! What a laugh. I see your store go through seasonal workers all the time. They come and go like nothing, but you won't consider me as a part-time employee even though I KNOW you've been looking for workers to fill positions? That's insane!
- Employee: Sir, we've been looking to hire a few people for management positions. Do you have any management experience?
- Man: Well no, but what does that matter?
- Employee: ...Well sir, that's what we're looking for. You won't be suitable for the position without management experience.
- Man: Oh that's such a load of crap. You know, you'll be waiting around a long time for a manager if you don't lower your standards a little. Who cares if someone knows how to manage a store? I LOVE this store and I'm willing to work here, that's all that should matter to you.
- Employee: That...doesn't make any sense.
- Man: NO! I'm done. This is over. From now on, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
- Man: Fuck you, slut.
So.. I met this guy… well, we haven’t actually met face to face yet… but we will in a few hours. He has more than my undivided attention, which is not something that happens easily. But all the little signs are there that is pretty amazing. I blush when I see his name appear on an incoming message on my phone. He makes me laugh and all that good stuff.
He is awesome.
It’s 1 AM… I am sound asleep…. my phone rings… “no name caller”
unknown female caller- Is this (insert my real name)
Me- who is this?
UC- I heard you been fucking my man?
Me- who is this?
UC- why are you fucking my man? I seen all them nasty messages you have been sending and I don’t appreciate it. You need to leave my man alone.
Me- who is your man?
UC- You met him on that dating site and you need to leave my man the fuck alone.
Me- Who is your man?(I’ve been on sort of a vanilla dating site binge lately. Been on a few dates… but have not fucked anyone… I’d be a bit less edgy if I had :P)
UC- (insert his ream name)
ME- who are you?
UC- this is Trish, I’m his wife. you need to get off his dick and leave my man alone.
(Now, I met him through a not so vanilla site… and while my heart was breaking, I was also highly annoyed that my slumber was disturbed.)
Me- Just stop… you are aware that he has a profile on that site… you need to be pissed at him, not me
UC- Bitch, I know all about him He is my man. I ride that dick every night. You need to back up off my man.
Me-You need to stop this displaced hostility.(throw in the big words in concepts) He has the profile up..
UC- Bitch, I know where you work, I know where you live. I’m going to fuck up you. You need to leave him alone.
(so this goes on for a bit.. I question if she knows the facts… she does… I mention then you know we haven’t met.. yada yada yada)
UC- I don’t appreciate those nasty ass messages you’ve been sending him and the pics with your legs spread wide open..
Me- You’ve got the wrong girl cause I don’t send those kind of pics. I think you need to find out who else he is talking to because that is not me.
(add more anger to this now… on my end… that mother fucker!)
I hung up the phone. Immediately dial Mr. Wonderful. He does not answer. My phone starts ringing from a friend I was with earlier… on who saw me blushing over a text message when I opened it to find a very lovely picture.. she looked over my shoulder. We started comparing the photos we both have in our phone… of different guys! Not the same one.
My friend- (insert my real name) that was (insert name of another friend)
Me- YOU ASSHOLES! Oh My God! I was just about to tear into him..
In the background I hear my other friend yelling that she loves me and that she is so proud of me for not backing down and how I handled the call.
I was punked… by 2 drunk girls who I love dearly.
Mr. Wonderful called… he saw the missed call and was worried something was wrong.
I’m wide awake now. And nothing is wrong…
Now to plot the payback…
Sometimes, all I can do is it let myself feel it. Face all the garbage that has come with her decision and just let myself cry and be angry and try to get it out. I know it will not be the last time I have to do this. I know that I will never really “get over it” or “accept it” but the days like this are a bit less frequent if I don’t fight them. If I quit trying to pretend that it didn’t happen, that she is coming home and that everything will be all right. It happened. She isn’t coming home, And everything will never be all right.
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