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Latest Observations on dating

I have been thinking, most likely far too much, about men, women, relationships and life. Sue me, I’m single and not taking classes this term so I have a bit more time to contemplate life, the universe and everything. (All respect to Mr. Adams, and God! I love that phrase!) So, we all know about men and the dreaded “friend zone” that mythical place where the girl you desire tells you everything, cries on your shoulder, turns to you for advice on the assholes she dates, but will never look at you in the same way you look at her. There will never be that moment when her eyes are suddenly opened and she realizes that all she has ever really wanted, needed or desired was actually right there in front of her all along. To her, you are just a friend; you are gender neutral; you are a Ken doll absent of all testosterone and genitalia.  I’m sorry to be the one to let the proverbial cat at out the bag, but that is just the cold hard facts. Well, at least as I see them.

Sadly, there is a purgatory just as fatal and deadly for women who hope that that guy they have their eye on may notice them someday too: the fuck zone. I don’t think anyone ever really tries to end up in this place; it just sort of happens. And sometimes, I doubt that a girl can see it coming. It may start of innocently enough: girl meets boy; they get along well enough; go on a date or two; get a bit flirty; both admit it is a bit early, but what the hell?

And then it happens: you have become a fuck. It wasn’t making love; yet it wasn’t a one night stand either. It wasn’t a mutually agreed upon friends with benefits situation. It was just a thing that you both allowed to happen; that you both wanted on some level; that maybe even on the most primal basic level was needed. But it ultimately, alters the course of events between the two of you.  Now, unlike the before mentioned Ken doll of the friend zone, you are a toy of a different sort. You, my amazingly beautiful, charming, well spoken, intelligent, and in so many ways amazing woman have become nothing but genitalia and boobs. You are a blow up doll with a pulse and flexibility. Sure, it has its perks. The sex can be amazing and spontaneous, and it can be even more deceiving if the conversations continue and things seem to click. And if this sort of thing suits your life and fits your relationship goals at the moment, boo freaking yah! You have hit the mother load!

But if it doesn’t. You truly are screwed. Because what may have started off as a potential happily ever after, or at least the next big thing, is now in danger of simply becoming another notch in your lipstick case and something you fret and regret over with the girls on margarita night. 

Or at least, that is what I have been thinking, with my overly stressed out, not sleeping very well and constantly distracted little mind. 

But, I could be wrong. It has been known to happen before. My being wrong that is. About my fuck zone theory,…… well…. the data is still be collected and over analyzed. 

10,000 heartaches

 A thousand little heartaches

would that be easier than repeating the break all over again?

Your saying you do not want to put me through this, does not negate the destination to which I am bound.

Another night of watching the clock and looking at the phone

And seeing that you have not called

Have not texted

Have not thought of me at all.

I feel like such a fool; a joke; a waste

A hypocrite 

Listen to the boy admit he had tried and asking him he had faced his demons and found support an alternatives to wanting to chuck it all.

And the whole time all I am thinking is you lucky freaking bastard to have the freedom and courage to even try.

I spent the day thinking and planning.

First find a home for the pets; then assure my son that he is loved and it is not his fault

But he will never really accept that.

He, the one who I love so very much, will never understand.

That loving no more can stop the pain and desperation, than the one who breaks my heart with his indifference.

He was just a distraction, a detour, a roadblock and nothing more.

10,000 little heartaches.

A life of almost but never quite right

Being told time and time again that you do not matter, and never should have been.

10,000 heartaches, and so many more.

I am not as strong as the others think.

I am not able to carry on and rise above.

I am worn out and broken to the point of no repair.

10,000 heart heartaches.

is far too much to bear.

She’s at it again

A writer must always write… and read and devour words like candy, savoring every sweet delectable syllable.

And take the world, and all that is in and show the world the way it looks through no other eyes than her own,

It’s good to be back in that place where the creative spirit is flowing and I once again feel like myself. 

So, I survived another Valentine’s day being single… I should be used to that. I made it through another day without my daughter. I wonder if I will ever get used to that.

lessons

When will I ever learn? Being open to love does not mean giving my heart too quickly and allowing myself to be hurt.

loneliness

Sometimes it overwhelms me. i will have these fleeting thoughts of getting in my car and driving to the college where I dropped my daughter off to see her. But she isn’t there anymore. Something within her changed last year. She isn’t there and she no longer talks to me. I know where she is; and most of what she is doing. But she isn’t in my life. I cannot just call her up and talk about foolish things and life in general. I miss her so much.

I sent her a text message tonight. I am not supposed to have her phone number. i have had it all along. I doubt she will respond. She will probably change her number. But I know that she will read my words. At least I hope she will. I told her that I still love her; that I still miss her and am still here for her whenever she is ready. 

This hurts more than I thought imaginable.

And it never stops hurting.

the scary reality

I was talking with a friend who is a Republican. We normally do not talk politics. Our views are just too different; or so it seems. I am a liberal Democrat who supports equality and a woman’s right to chose what is done to her own body. I worry about the economy, the environment, the reality of global warming and limited resources, the lack of jobs and the inability for anyone to afford higher education. I have a good job, making a decent wage, but still cannot am afraid to go the doctor due to rising insurance premiums and co-pays with coverage shrinking every year. I am the 99%. And so is she; she just doesn’t realize the implications of what that means. Somehow we started talking about the different speeches at the conventions, the wives dresses and a few other things. I was shocked by how little she actually knew of the Republican agenda and the statements that have been regarding women, rape and abortion. And I was pleasantly suprised to hear her say that she did not agree with any of it!

I see this as one of the biggest problems with elections in general. No one takes the time to really listen to what their candidate is actually saying.  No one can sift through all of the rhetoric and hype to see what the person actually stands for if anything. Too many of the campaign is spent bad mouthing the opponent and spouting buzz words that capture votes. All of this adds to voter and citizen apathy. I truly believe that our right to vote is our opportunity to tell the government what they are doing right and what they are doing wrong.  Is everything in this country going smoothly? Of course not! But I do truly believe that we have a much better chance of recovery and survival with Barack Obama in the White House than with anyone else. America is a diverse nation and needs to remain inclusive and evolving to meet the needs of its citizens. We are not a land of rich white males; we are a nation of many different races, ethnicities, cultures, belief systems, values and dreams. We need the people running our government to represent all of us, not just a select few.